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Help! My child lies.
by Noel Swanson
http://www.good-child-guide.com

Nothing creates adult anger like children lying. It's ironic
since it's usually adults who set the child up to lie. This
is how it works:

Greg's mother just found out that Greg was throwing rocks at
somebody:

"Greg, what have you been up to this afternoon?" [What, you
expect me to confess if you don't know?]

"What do you mean? Nothing." he says, with an innocent,
puzzled, expression.

"Did you throw stones at that new girl?" [Hmm, maybe I can
get away with this.]

"No.", he says out, loud looking shocked that you would even
imagine such a thing.

"Mavis saw you."

"It had to be some other kid." [Why would she believe a
neighbor over me?]

"She seems pretty sure it was you."

"She's wrong! It wasn't me!"

Mum's first mistake was to offer him a way out, and then
immediately corner him. Now they have to face off. Does Mum
believe Mavis, or is there room for doubt? Greg does sound
pretty sure of himself. Maybe it was another kid. If she
lets him off now she'll have to tell him how sorry she is.
If she believes he's guilty, she will have to punish him
both for lying and for throwing stones.

Most children will lie to get out of trouble. Your job is to
encourage them to tell the truth, not tempt them to lie
more. That means that there must be some definite benefit
for confessing, rather than trying to wriggle out of it.
First you need to lay some foundations of truth and honesty
in your home. Make sure that you, yourself, don't lie. Get
into the habit of noticing and rewarding honesty and
truthfulness. Talk about the value of honesty, and a good
reputation. Demonstrate that honesty is a Good Thing, and
that it gets rewarded.

The next time you suspect your child of something, remain
calm.

If you already know what they did, don't ask, "What did you
do?" That's just tempting them unfairly. Tell them what you
already know and what the consequences will be.

On the other hand, you can invite them to tell you the
truth. This is how it might be done:

"Greg, Mavis informed me of something she witnessed this
afternoon. I would like to have you tell me what went on. Go
to your room and think about it for 15 minutes. While you're
thinking, keep in mind how much we value honesty in our
home."

This will give Greg a chance to think things over. He can
dig a bigger hole for himself, or he can be honest and face
the consequences. If he tells you the truth, praise him for
his honesty. If he chooses to lie, even after thinking about
it, then you must double his punishment. He has now both
lied and thrown stones at someone, and there are
consequences for both.

However he responds, have a talk with him when things have
quieted down. Talk about why he may have done it. Was he
mad, jealous, or feeling insecure? Tell him that such
feelings are normal, but they don't excuse acting badly.
This will take time, as he won't talk until he knows he can
trust you not to be angry with him.

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